As a teenager, even though one understands that other people have felt "like this" one imagines that noone has "ever felt quite like this". Like the Madonna lyrics "Romeo and Juliette, they never felt this way I bet", there is a loneliness and pride to the teenager's thinking that they have invented love/melancholy/happiness/friendship that had yet never been discovered.
I am holding on to this knowledge today and reminding myself that I am not even the only one feeling the way that I am feeling. Not only have these feelings been felt before, there may be someone experiencing them at this very moment. As I washed the breakfast dishes and thought "but doesn't the universe understand how ready we are and how great we'll be as parents?" one can be guaranteed that another person out there was having the same thought possibly while washing lunch or dinner dishes of their own.
So ready are we for the adoption process, that my husband can utter the mantra almost automatically. When discovering this morning that the agency with which we really wanted to work was not Hague accredited, his response was "that is not our agency". We have named hypothetical women who do not want their child to be raised in Switzerland/ do not agree with our idea of "optimal contact to birth-parents"/ do not approve of our religious beliefs as "not our birth mother" and their future children as "not our baby". We've thought so long and hard about the method and means that we want in order to build our family and are now whittling down the paths that are "not our path"s.
Oh it hurts. Every stumble brings the question "doesn't the universe know how ready we are?" Nevertheless, even in my sadness, I know that I will be looking back some day with an understanding that this was all necessary to find our child and build our family. Even now I know that there are other deserving parents who are sad that they have to wait but will eventually be blessed with a family of their own. We are not alone. In communion with them, I wash my dishes and wait.