I've been writing 2 blogs at once the past 6 months. While this blog was helpful to me in Zürich for feeling connected to the states, http://deutlish.wordpress.com/ is a blog that I write with Ivo to connect to folks in Switzerland and I write an anonymous blog to connect with my emotions surrounding adoption and hopefully other people on that path. The private blog was alsp meant to prevent this blog from filling up with adoption stuff but I can't help myself and thus write this entry:
I believe in Magic; all kinds of magic. I believe in the good kind of magic like science and sports teams-induced superstitiousness. I believe in bad magic, like the stuff that fuels addictions. I believe in a magic that gets me through the day as well. I believe that little sparks of hope are like magic.
I'm currently experiencing a sense of magic that I acn't categorize. I fear that it may be in the center of a venn-diagram with addiction-magic and hope-magic (with a slight hue of sport superstition). No, it feels like betting magic, like sport/addict magic. Not sure. What I'm seeing are signs. They are fake signs that I make myself but knowing that doesn't stop them. I'll give an example of a sign-seeing internal monologue:
Will and Kate are getting married -= a royal wedding + I was born right after a royal wedding = my baby will come end of April
Jonas and Oli are coming in July + it'd be terribly inconvenient if the baby came in July = The baby will come in July
I last saw David Sedaris live when I was almost homeless + There, I met a guy who introduced me to my future housemates = I will get the call from the agency when I go see David Sedaris this April
and last of all
Our agency said that people often get chosen when they're out of the country + Ivo is in Russia = this'll take no time at all!
I think the last one is most dangerous. The others seem to fit the pattern of religious zealots who can be certain that the world will end on a certain date and then quickly rebound when that date comes and goes. The last one seems to set me up for disappointment. Luckily 3/4 of those above scenarios end with Ivo coming home, sane, lovely, supportive rationality-sharing Ivo.
I'm hoping that writing these down here will put them in a different place and might change my magical thinking. We shall see. Until then..... I'm off to bed on a unicorn's back. Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum.