Montag, 2. Mai 2016

Be Optimistic

Sometimes I think that if I didn't have a chronic illness, I'd be the most optimistic person in the world. But then I can't know that, because my practiced optimism (see: at times lying to myself) is a gift of having to get through life with a chronic illness.
My handsome and healthy spouse has now taken on the voice of me 10 years ago. (I'd been ill about 8 years when we met, so I suppose that he's right on schedule.) I'm here, reveling in every bit of evidence of health, embracing every moment that my healthy body gives me and when things go poorly, holding on to the optimism that I'll be that way again. But it takes regular practice.
I've got granulomas and these chronic infections popping up as a result of undissolved self-dissolving sutures and it's a real bummer. Old me's voice pops in my head and worries that it could mean something worse, that it could be the start of fistulas, that my honeymoon of things going well after surgery was short and is over. Ivo's voice pops up in a more actual way and says things like "what the hell" and showing more signs of being bored of me being in pain. Not bored of me, but he just feels the monotony of me being in a painful situation and feels bad for me.
So I'm here, and I've had a painful weekend - but rallied for a nice long walk with spouse and pup, did all the things I needed to to take good care of myself - and I'm waiting on my doctor to write me a prescription for antibiotics and I'm feeling optimistic that the pills will work as well this time as they did last time, I'm hopeful that this problem will stop reoccurring, I can practically see my wonderful, sutureless life...
But if I'd never been ill, I might have never known this kind of positivity in the face of chronic health issues. I had this big massive surgery and I got a little cocky about the long-term positive change it would be. But I have an incurable illness and will always have an incurable illness and I've got some incurable, chronically occurring positivity - with bouts of doubts. 

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