The trip to the airport was jolly but I didn't want it to be too jolly. Ivo wrote text messages to lovely friends in/from SF to thank them for making our year that much better. Then we got to the airport and it was as if a switch had been thrown. The airline took our bags and with it Ivo's baggage. He was light and happy and ready for the next step of the adventure.
I was not.
When we waited for the plane, Ivo waited in the business class lounge, I sat by the gate and finished up the work I'd not done that day while cleaning. We just read the words that I wrote at that gate and they are cynical in the extreme. One line that made Ivo and Pete wince was a flash flood warning "the waters can quickly rise to a wall of 10-30 feet of water, washing pointy plants, debris, animals - alive and dead - and it goes without saying - you cyclists." (though of course it was written more eloquently in German)
We got in the plane and I felt as if I was traveling with a stranger. Ivo was so ready and still so jolly. He accepted champagne from the flight attendant, intent on enjoying the upgrade that our frequent flyer miles had earned us. The whole point of the upgrade was to have a bit of respite after all of that craziness of moving. I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't find respite. I took a glass of water from the flight attendant and would like to have ordered a crust of bread for dinner for good measure.
Thankfully a good talk about all of the complex emotions, the relief and fear helped sort me out of this obnoxious funk and I was on board (no pun intended). I downed the last of Ivo's champagne and began to let go a little.
We've been here for two days and the letting go and holding on and letting in has been a gentle process so far. the first night we watched football, ate pizza and had a walk around the neighborhood. A news interview about whether or not cell-phone use should be banned for prostitutes during sex acts let us know we were home in Zürich. "Texting is one thing, but maintaining a conversation during a sex act...."
Yesterday was beauracracy and not nearly as terrible as it could have been. We had an evening of nephews and niece (one nephew visit was virtual). Today is moving and dinner with the Oma-in-law.
I'm excited for what this new version of Zürich holds for me. Though, less interested in the cell-phone-sex-act debate.