Montag, 8. Juni 2015

Timehop - a gift in the German sense of the word

"Gift" means "poison" in German. And my Timehop app on my iphone can be a gift or be giftig. Nostalgia is similar to "Heimweh" in German. "Heim" means home and "weh" means pain. 
I'd not used Timehop before this year, and now that I have, I'm reminded daily that Ivo and my trip down Rt 66 happened in June 4 years ago. 
According to Timehop, we were in Amarillo, TX 4 years ago today. We spray painted Cadillacs that were positioned to resemble Stonehenge. I went and read our blog from that time (Ivo and I had a a wordpress blog, in which we recorded our experiences of our year in the US together) and was surprised by the evenness and relative lack of emotion in our New Mexico posts. I'm quite proud of typically over-sharing self. The posts don't nearly betray the emotional roller coaster of nearly becoming parents to a possible epileptic daughter. Today is her birthday and I think of her every now and again. Mostly it goes like this "I wonder what she's up to now." and then I send her love and hope and good wishes for her and her parents. 
I remember when my mom was nearing the first anniversary of her cancer diagnosis. She was asking about my thoughts of how to deal with anniversaries of painful things. I wonder if having been ill in the past is why I think of "life before ____________" and "life after ___________"; why I give weight to the fact that I've lived without a lower intestine longer than I've lived with one; why I so understood mom when she was dreading the anniversary of her diagnosis. I've tried to remember my advice to her when celebrating her birth and death days this year. And I think that Ivo and I do a great job celebrating our twoness in observation of the children who weren't. When we miscarried, the due date we'd been given was October 13th, my sister and nephews birthday. I'm grateful for that built in celebration. 
But for now, I shall delete my Timehop app and move forward instead of looking back for now. Or at least try to. 

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