Freitag, 7. August 2015

Fahr vergnügen

We're going on holiday and I'm so thrilled to get to see my family soon. I miss them terribly. But people keep asking if I'm excited about the trip, and I've been feeling neutral on everything but seeing my siblings.
This morning at breakfast, when Ivo gave me a squee face after saying "You're leaving in a couple days!" (He's leaving a couple of days after me.) I admitted to him, that I don't feel squee-ee, and I finally admitted to myself that it feels weird to be planning a trip to the states without factoring in time to see my mother. The last few years, every visit has centered around mom. And when I left the US the last time in spring 2014, I got to mourn her loss in the bubble of Europe.
At the time, I was jealous of those people who were still surrounded by others who were feeling the same loss, but now, I feel like I'm walking down stairs and expecting a step that isn't there.
I moved to Zürich in May 2006, and when I next returned to the States for Christmas, they'd changed the 5 dollar bill. It was jarring. But this is a far more dramatic and emotional change, of course, and I am acutely missing my mother.
I'm grateful that the stroppy, stubborn, immature Jessy who said "I'm never returning to Maine after mom dies" a few autumns ago. I'm grateful that I'll go to one of my mom's (and I wager the family's) favourite places and be surrounded by her sisters and my sister and her lovely family and my loving spouse. I'm grateful for the freedom to take the train with Ivo and for our alone time that we can carve out as well. And I'm grateful to miss mom. She's present in my heart and mind and deserves to be missed. 

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